Click. Facebook. Click. Instagram. Click. YouTube. Click. WordPress. Click. Click. Click.
‘What am I doing? I shouldn’t be stalking this girl…’ but I couldn’t seem to look away from the screen and with every click of my mouse I shrink deeper into the hole; a hole that I’ve dug with my own insecurity, anxiety and self-consciousness. I hate myself. I hate admitting that I still care. I keep making excuses to reassure myself that I’m not crazy, that I’m not slowly losing my mind. It’s normal right, to want to know about the person that he’s replaced me with? To want to stalk every last inch of her social media accounts?
No, no it’s not normal, or sane, or even warranted. ‘So why am I doing it?’
I know I should never ever, under any circumstances, compare myself to any other person; it just causes bitterness, loss of confidence, self-loathing and nothing but stress. Yet here I am, undeniably comparing myself to my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend because in that instance I really couldn’t help myself.
It’s really not A’s fault and definitely not B’s fault; and you know what’s ironic? From the short time I spent on her I could see we have so much in common that I think I could’ve had a real connection with her, given the chance.
It’s too late though, I can’t unsee, unread or unfeel any of it. All I can do is write my heart out and let the tumultuous emotions bleed black onto the blank white canvas. Drain out these overwhelming feelings that are making my palms sweaty and my stomach sick.
Honestly, this piece almost didn’t make it onto the blog because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me say “hey, I still care,” which I shouldn’t in the first place. But f*** it, it’s my blog, I can put anything I want on it; especially if doing so makes me feel a zillion times better about it all. Yup, this is my therapy and it feels unabashedly cathartic to get it all off my pent-up mind.
*Shuts down laptop, puts on earphones, blasts Taylor’s Shake It Off and sings screams along to that sick beat (especially that bridge!)*